Sleepy Hollow Bastion
by SnowGirl7
Summary: -COMPLETE-Well, it's a KH story that is loosely based on Sleepy Hollow...could be called a crossover, if you'd like. PG just to be safe. Ohhh, the randomness! r
1. Chapter One

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts. I do own not Kingdom Hearts, except for Sleepy Hollow, which I do not own. I also do not own the other stuff I may mention.  
  
Author's Note: Hi. This story is a randomly stupid story you clicked on. Lucky you.   
  
Summary: I don't know, it might change. Basically what I said in the real summary, I guess.  
  
Chapter One:  
  
It was night, not day, night. Kairi and Sora were walking home, having just come from their clogging class when something unusual happened.   
  
"I think something unusual just happened, Kairi." Sora stated, rubbing his chin as they walked, "But what?"  
  
"I don't know." Kairi replied. Looking up at him, she smiled like a drunk person, "I like you."  
  
"Kairi, look out!!!" Sora yelled, then tried to pull her away from whatever he yelled 'Look out!!!' for.  
  
"For what? I need specifics." Kairi said, as Sora still attempted to pull her away. After several failed attempts, Sora finally gave up.  
  
I mean, really, we all know that Sora is kind of a girly-boy.  
  
"He is not!!!" a crazy Sora fangirl screamed from the bushes that he and Kairi just walked past. Standing up, she quickly made a mad dash at Sora. "SORA!!!! You will be MINE, I tell you!!! MINE!!!!! Bwahahahahahahaaha!!!"  
  
Kairi, being the possessive kind of girl, then proceeded to punch said fangirl out.  
  
"No fair!! She was wearing a ring!" cried the fangirl as she ran away, holding what was left of her face.  
  
"I really wish they would stop doing that." Kairi said, calmly, as she pulled Sora along by his shirt sleeve.  
  
Sora glanced back to where the fangirl had been, a frightened look on his face.   
  
"Hey, what are you doing?" Riku asked, popping up from a hole in the ground. Sora had the strongest urge to hit him with one of those arcade mallets...but he didn't.  
  
"Nothing, you?"  
  
"Nah," Riku replied looking around himself, "Just digg'n a hole. What's he doing?"  
  
Riku pointed to a strangely dressed man who was standing really, REALLY close to Kairi, just staring at her neck. Upon seeing them watching him, he turned into a bat and flew away.  
  
Sora shrugged, "Don't know. Kinda creepy, though."  
  
"Yeah." Kairi agreed. "He was following me around, earlier, when I was in the cemetery."  
  
Nobody commented on how the man had turned into a bat, or asked why Kairi had been in the cemetery earlier. They just took it in as if it happened everyday. Odd, really.  
  
"Huh, I don't know then." Riku said, climbing out of the hole. He then joined them in walking.  
  
"I also met this weird girl in the cemetery. ZTX, I think she said, was her author name on fanfiction.net. She said she was trying to see who all she's killed so far in her current story." Kairi went on, "She looked at me kind of funny."  
  
Shameless plug for ZTX, I know.  
  
"I don't know about that, either." Riku stated.  
  
He doesn't know much of anything right now, does he?  
  
"Yes, I do! As a matter of fact, I was just about to tell them about the rumor I heard from these people who fell down into the hole I was digging." Riku yelled at me. Giving me his angry eye, he waited until I gave it back before he continued, "So, anyway, they told me about this guy who supposedly wanders around at night, stealing people's hearts. They called him the Heartless Horseman."  
  
"I thought wandering meant he was on foot." Sora said.  
  
"Don't ask me why they call him that, I'm only telling you what they told me. I heard he actually rides a Chocobo." Riku replied, shrugging, "They also said he was a mercenary, whatever that is."  
  
Let's all take the time to find out what a mercenary is, shall we? I must get my dictionary: A mercenary is someone who is hired for service in a foreign army. Hmm, I always thought it was something else. Anyway...  
  
"So this guy," Kairi turned to Riku, "Is he cute?"  
  
"Kairi?!" Sora whipped his head around so fast it almost flew off his shoulders, rolled down a hill, landed in a river, floated downstream, then drifted out to sea where it ended up in a fishing boat headed to Canada.   
  
"What?" Kairi asked, innocently, "You have loads of fangirls throwing themselves at you and I can't even ask if the guy is cute?"  
  
"Would it make you feel better if you had a fanboy?" Riku asked, pulling a possible Kairi fanboy into view.  
  
"Really? I can have my own fanboy? Yippee!!" Kairi jumped up and down as the fanboy looked on in terror. "Maybe I'll braid his hair..."  
  
At this, the fanboy ran screaming from site, never to be seen again until the next time I write him in.  
  
"My fanboy ran away." Kairi cried, then looked at Sora and Riku with big puppy-dog eyes, "I miss my fanboy."  
  
Sora smacked Riku in the shoulder, "Now look what you did!!"  
  
"What did I do? She's the one who scared the poor guy to death!" Riku rubbed his shoulder.  
  
"I killed him?!!" Kairi cried even louder. "I didn't mean to, I swear!"  
  
"Well you shouldn't, it's not very nice." said a voice behind them. Turning around they all gasped.  
  
"You're the Heartless Horseman!" 


	2. Chapter Two

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Sleepy Hollow, or anything else, for that matter.  
  
Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews, I feel so special. Anyway, this chapter is, I'd say, somewhat more disturbing than the last one. Enjoy!  
  
Chapter Two:  
  
"You are the Heartless Horseman, aren't you?" Sora asked, trying to see the guy's face.  
  
"Sorry, you got the wrong guy." he said, then moved into the moonlight. It showed him for who he truly was: Leon.  
  
"Oh, it's just you." Kairi said, then thought of something, nobody knows exactly what, though.  
  
"How do we know that you aren't Leon and the Heartless Horseman, hmm?" Sora inquired. He then freaked everybody out when he got up in Leon's face and bugged his eye out to emphasize the question. He bugged it too much, though, because it popped out and just dangled there for a second. Sora then screamed like a sissy girl and turned away to pop it back in, "I hate it when it does that!"  
  
Just wait, it gets better.  
  
"Well, I am Leon, but I'm not the Heartless Horseman." Leon replied, "I have a heart. See?"  
  
Leon then lifted up his shirt and opened his chest to reveal a heart covered in cobwebs and something that resembled a snow cone machine.  
  
"Ha, ha! Now you don't!!" Kairi, having seen the opportunity of a lifetime, reached in, snatched Leon's heart, and ran off with it.  
  
"Hey! Give that back! It's a rental!!" Leon cried, closing his chest. He then took off after her, but didn't get very far before he fell into one of Riku's past holes. After making several failed attempts to climb out, they heard a distant yell, "I'm gonna KILL whoever dug this hole!!"  
  
All eyes were on Riku.  
  
"Uh, oh." Riku said, sheepishly. "Do you think he'll forgive me if I tell him I can get him a date with Sora's mom?"  
  
"What?!" Sora cried.  
  
"What?" Riku asked in return. "You're mom's hot."  
  
"That's not something a guy want's to hear about his mom, dude." Leon called from the hole, "But it is true."  
  
"No way am I gonna let you go out with my mommy!" Sora yelled down at Leon, then looked at Riku. Pointing his finger at him, he said, "That goes for you, too."  
  
Kairi, having just realized she was holding a human heart, screamed and passed out, falling into the hole with Leon.  
  
"I'll be taking that, thank you." Leon said as he pried open Kairi's fist to retrieve his heart. He then put it back in her hand so she would freak out again when she woke up.  
  
That wasn't very nice of him, but that's what he did. And it worked...but it backfired.  
  
Kairi woke up and freaked out all right, but she took it out on Leon, beating him senseless with his own rented heart.   
  
"Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!! I'm holding a human heart!!! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!" Stopping, Kairi looked at what she was doing. Getting a somewhat demented look on her face, she went on with hitting Leon, "I'm beating Leon with a human heart!! Bwahahahaahaha!!!!!!!"  
  
"Stop it!"   
  
Kairi stopped and looked around, "Who said that?"  
  
Leon looked around too.  
  
"Yoo-hoo, over here in your hand."  
  
Kairi and Leon looked at the heart, which had suddenly formed a face and proceeded to talk to them.  
  
Kairi and Leon looked at each other, as most people on television do when unusual situations occur. Kairi then flung it at Leon. I mean, really, who wouldn't?  
  
"Eeeewwww!!!" Kairi wiped her hand off on Leon's jacket.  
  
"That was completely uncalled for." Leon told Kairi, grasping his heart. Looking down at it, he asked, "You okay?"  
  
"As okay as a talking heart can be, I guess." it said.  
  
"Can I put you back now? I'm starting to feel a little funny." Leon swayed back and forth.  
  
"That'd be fine." it said, then Leon put it back.  
  
"It hurts worse to put it back in than it was when you took it out." Leon commented to Kairi. He hadn't closed his chest yet, so Kairi took a look.  
  
"That's because you put it in backwards. Here, let me help." Kairi replied.   
  
"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow." Leon said as she twisted it around. Looking down, he asked, "You finished yet?"  
  
"Yep." Kairi nodded, then closed his chest. She kind of slammed it shut, though, causing Leon's eyes to fall back into his head.  
  
"It always does that. Could you shake my head, please?" Leon sighed. Looking out from his eye sockets, he could see Kairi, but it was like she was in two round picture frames. Looking around the inside of his own head, "I think I need to dust."  
  
"Do you REALLY want me to shake your head?" Kairi asked, rubbing her hands together, devious like.   
  
"Yeah, but not too hard. Wouldn't want to cause any brain damage, would you?" Leon laughed, nervously, as he watched her come toward him, "You know what? I changed my mind, you don't have to---aaackk!!"  
  
It was too late. Kairi had pounced and was now shaking Leon like a maraca. Kind of choking him at the same time, though, too.  
  
"La cuca-ra-CHA! La cuca-ra-CHA!" Kairi sang as she shook Leon, who was now turning blue. Not actually knowing the words, she made up her own, "I'd like some must-ARD! I'd like some Ketch-UP! 'Cause I am hungry and I haaave none!"  
  
Leon was now purple, but luckily his eyes popped back into place before Kairi could make up the next line of the song. Kairi let go of his neck, reluctantly, then pouted in the corner because this was a square hole.  
  
Leon didn't waste any time, "Help!! Throw me a ladder, throw me a rope, throw me SOMETHING!!"  
  
Riku and Sora looked around and found one of Riku's discarded shovels. They threw it down.  
  
"What?! A shovel? Everybody knows you can't dig out of a hole!" Leon yelled back up.  
  
"That's not what it's for!" Riku called down to Leon.   
  
"Then what is it for?" Leon called back up.  
  
"What? I couldn't hear you!"  
  
"I said, THEN WHAT IS IT FOR?!" Leon shouted back.  
  
"We still can't hear you! Pick up the phone!" Riku pointed to a telephone hanging on the wall of the hole. Leon looked from it to them.  
  
Picking it up, he said, "You're both idiots, you know?"  
  
"Yeah, but what did you say?" Sora asked, from the other end, and no, I don't mean his butt. The other end of the phone.  
  
"I'm so glad you clarified that." said the real Heartless Horseman, who had just come up behind them. "I'll be stealing your hearts now."  
  
"Can it wait a second? We're on the phone!" Sora said, a matter-of-factly. "Now, what did you say?"  
  
"I don't really remember, but I have an idea of what to do with the shovel now." Leon gave Kairi an evil glare.   
  
Kairi shrank farther into the corner and whimpered, "Where's my fanboy when I really need him?"  
  
Fanboy was hiding in the bushes.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Who's up there with you?" Leon asked, before hanging up.  
  
"Oh, just some guy saying he's gonna steal our hearts." Sora replied.  
  
"Sounds like the Heartless Horseman to me." Leon stated, shifting the shovel from one hand to the other. "Well see ya later. I have something I've gotta do."  
  
Again, he gave Kairi an evil glare.  
  
"You're not gonna go 'Secret Window' on my girlfriend, are you?!" Sora called down, but he received no answer in return. "Leon? Riku, I think Leon's gonna kill Kairi."  
  
Sora got no answer from Riku, so he looked up. What he saw will haunt his dreams forever. 


	3. Chapter Three

Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Kingdom Hearts, Sleepy Hollow, or anything I may mention in this chapter. I do own the random people in this story, however, because they are random and I like them.  
  
Author's Note: Thank you, those who have reviewed my story so far. This chapter is not as disturbing, in my opinion, as the last one was. If you didn't find the last chapter disturbing at all, just ignore me, I sometimes tend ramble on about nothing at all worth rambling on about. Now on to the chapter! Weeeeee!!  
  
Chapter Three:  
  
There he was, the Heartless Horseman, sitting on his Chocobo while Riku made an ice sculpture of him. That is not what scared him, though. No, no, no! What scared him was what stood next to them: his scar-faced fangirl from chapter one!  
  
"Sora!!" Scar-face the Fangirl screamed, then looked around to see if Kairi was anywhere near by.  
  
Sora looked to, even though he knew Kairi was in the hole. He's not too smart sometimes.  
  
"Don't you talk about my Sora that way! And he IS mine!! Aaaahhhahahahahaha!!!!" She laughed crazily, "Nobody can stop me!! He will be MINE!!!!"  
  
Riku then broke off the left arm of the ice sculpture and smacked her with it. She then fell into one of Riku's other holes...a really deep one. She fell out the other side of the world, then floated off into space.  
  
"I hate you, Riku!! I hope you die a horrible and painful death!!!! Aaackk!!!!" She flew into a piece of space debris.  
  
"Ha! I can't die! I'm the author's favorite character, nyeah!" Riku stuck his tongue out through the center of the world so she could see it. "Fear my tongue! It is long and creepy!!"  
  
Nobody there disagreed with that statement.  
  
"Yo, I'm still here and you broke my arm off."  
  
Riku and Sora looked at the Heartless Horseman. "Do we know you? You seem familiar."  
  
"Noooooo, you don't know me." he said, kind of sarcastic like, because they really did know him, but I'm not going to tell you who he is until later for a more dramatic affect.  
  
"Ahh." they all said, in understanding.   
  
"Anyway, so yeah, about my arm?" he went on, "I'd like to have it back, if you wouldn't mind."  
  
Riku looked down at the arm in his hand. Apparently, it had not been the ice sculpture after all.   
  
"Ooops. Here you go." Riku handed the arm back to the body it belonged to. They watched as he stuck it back on, twisted it a little, then pulled it back off.  
  
"This one isn't mine." the Heartless Horseman handed the arm back, "It doesn't fit."  
  
"Oh, sorry. Let me see..." Riku dived into the bottomless pit that was his pocket. It was like Mary Poppin's bag in there, you never can tell what you're gonna find.  
  
After coming up for air a couple of times, he brought with him several arms, a few legs, and something that looked vaguely like Kairi.   
  
Actually, it was Kairi, and Leon, too.  
  
"Kairi?! What were you doing in Riku's pocket?!" a random person yelled as they walked past the group. Everybody looked at the guy, strangely, as he walked on, then forgot about him.  
  
"I'm not sure." Kairi looked from Riku to Sora to Leon to the hole, then back to Sora, then to--- "CLOUD??? You're the Heartless Horseman?!"  
  
Stupid Kairi. She ruined my dramatic affect!! Just for that, something bad is going happen to her. So there.  
  
"Cloud?" Sora got up in Cloud's face and looked into his eye, "Are you sure this is Cloud? He looks different."  
  
"I got contacts." Cloud pushed Sora away from him. "And I'm wearing clear nail polish."  
  
"Umm...okay." Sora skipped away. Looking back at Kairi, "So how'd you get out of the hole?"  
  
"Well, first, I had to bribe Leon with a cookie so he wouldn't kill me." Kairi told them.  
  
Leon had a glazed over look in his eyes, "I like cookies."  
  
"That's nice, Leon. Here's my last one, now go play." Kairi tossed him a cookie. Leon grabbed it. Then, holding it close to him, he ran off like a crazy man with a cookie.  
  
"It's mine! My preciousssss..."  
  
"Anyway," Kairi continued, "I then dragged him through this portal in the corner. Next thing I knew, I was in a scary place with lots of extra body parts."  
  
Kairi shivered, then slapped Riku.   
  
"Hey!" Riku rubbed his arm.  
  
"You should warn people about your pockets!" she yelled. She then picked up an arm and threw it to Cloud. "Here, you're freaking me out."  
  
"Thanks." Cloud said as he put his arm back on. He then went on with his job of being the Heartless Horseman. "Okay, now I'll be stealing your hearts."   
  
He then raised a long sword that will hereby be known as the Heartstealer. Original, huh?  
  
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't tell us that!" Kairi told him, "What kind of bad guy are you?!"  
  
"I'm not bad!" Cloud cried, then lowered the Heartstealer, dejectedly, "I'm just misunderstood."  
  
At this statement, all fangirls, whether they be Cloud's or not, showed up and gave him a big hug. "It's okay, Cloud. We still love you."  
  
Cloud looked at them all, then cried, "I wish I could love all you fangirls, too, but I don't have a heart!"  
  
One major Cloud fangirl then went up to Riku and dove into his pocket, "Cloud's heart has GOT to be in here SOMEWHERE!!"  
  
Riku was majorly uncomfortable.   
  
"Could you get out of there, please?" he asked, looking down into his pocket. Just then, a Riku fangirl jumped at the chance of a lifetime.  
  
"No worries! I'll get her out." then she dove in as well.  
  
"Oh great. Now I've got two fangirls in my pocket, and she says, 'No worries'!" Riku looked down into the SHIRT pocket...I know what you were think'n before, I thought I'd specify. Looking back at all the fangirls, Riku asked, rhetorically, "She says she'll get the other girl out, but then who will get HER out?"  
  
As soon as he said it, he knew he shouldn't have. It was like an invitation to all fangirls, and every one of them accepted. Diving into his shirt pocket, only a few of them missed and ended up just running into him. Then they were no more.  
  
"Well, at least they are gone. Right, Cloud?" somebody, I'm not sure who, asked him.  
  
Cloud did not look happy. "I happened to LIKE all the attention, thank you!!"  
  
Then he stole the guy's heart. Turning his attention to Riku, he had a black look in his eyes.  
  
"And you, you're the reason they're gone!" Cloud pointed the Heartstealer at him, "But since you're the author's favorite, she won't let me steal your heart, so I'm just going to kidnap Kairi and take her to Hollow Bastion, instead!"  
  
He then grabbed Kairi, put her in a duffel bag, and tied it to the back of the Chocobo. Getting on it himself, he yelled, "And I can get there faster than you because MY Chocobo can fly. HA!"  
  
Then he flew off to Hollow Bastion from Destiny Islands.  
  
"Dang it, Riku! You got my girlfriend kidnapped again!!" Sora smacked Riku on the arm.  
  
"Stop smacking me! I don't mean to get her kidnapped, it just happens!!" Riku yelled, rubbing his arm once again. He continued on in his musings, "She's just the kidnapping type, I guess."  
  
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Sora sat down on a log that just magically appeared out of nowhere, "It happens so often, there's gotta be something to it." 


	4. Chapter Four

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts, Sleepy Hollow, a giant magnet, or a squirrel. I also don't own anything that I may not have mentioned in this disclaimer or in this story.  
  
Author's Note: Hey! Thanks for the reviews, I soooo like them. Oh, and Cloud does not look like the Headless Horseman because, well, he's Cloud. He looks like Cloud, with the addedness (I like making up words, its fun) of contact lenses and clear nail polish. Two things that don't change your appearance, unless of course you have those color contacts, then they kinda do. Anyway, here's the next chapter. Hope you like it!  
  
Chapter Four:  
  
Cloud had just gotten to Hollow Bastion and was taking the duffel bag holding Kairi off the back of his Chocobo, when he saw them.  
  
"How did you get here so fast?" he asked, then dropped the duffel bag.  
  
"Ouch." Kairi's muffled voice could be heard.  
  
"Oooops, sorry." Cloud apologized, then kicked the duffel bag into a giant pile of duffel bags that were about to be taken to a volcano to be thrown in and destroyed forever. Aaaaaahhahahahahaaha!!!!!  
  
"Hey! You can't do that!" Kairi cried and tried to chew a hole in the bag. She was starting to suffocate.  
  
"Yes she can, she's the author." Cloud corrected, "Now I would like to know how they got here so fast."  
  
"How who got here from where?" asked them.   
  
"How you got here from there."   
  
"Who's you and where's there?"  
  
"You're you, and there's there!" Cloud said, getting a little annoyed. If they weren't careful, they were gonna lose their hearts.  
  
"If I'm you, and there's there, then who are you and where is here?"  
  
Confusingness can be sooooo fun, but Cloud had had enough. Picking up the Kairi duffel bag, he pulled her out and stuffed them into it. Then he threw it into the volcano himself.  
  
"Those pizza guys sure are annoying, but they are fast at delivering pizza." Cloud said, taking the pizza box from the ground where the pizza guys had dropped it. Opening it, he found nothing. Looking around, he spotted Kairi.  
  
"Did you eat my pizza?" Cloud looked at her all threateningly like.  
  
"Kairi shook her head, but she had clearly eaten it, seeing as there was sauce all over her face and she looked like a chipmunk, minus the squeak."  
  
"Who said that?" Cloud asked, smacking the back of Kairi's head, causing the whole pizza to fly out all at once. Cloud caught it with the box, then looked at it. It looked pretty good for having been stuffed in the mouth of a freak. "Hey! The pepperoni is missing!"  
  
"Kairi clearly still had the pepperoni, since it was not on the pizza any longer."  
  
"Seriously, who's saying that?!" Cloud yelled. He swung around to try to find whoever it was, but couldn't see anyone there.   
  
Cloud wearily looked at Kairi, who had a strange, undefinable look on her face. Her head was leaning to the side, level with her shoulder, and she was drooling like a little doggy. Then Cloud saw it, the pepperoni was clasped between her hands, almost to the point of being smushed.   
  
Smushed, hee, hee! Smmuuussshhhed! Smashed, smushed, smushied, smooshy-wooshied!! Weeeeeeee!! Anyway...  
  
Cloud slowly walked toward her, hand in the air, ready to grab the pepperoni the first chance he got. Sadly, it was not meant to be. When that chance came, Kairi was too quick for him and stuffed it down her shirt.  
  
"Eeeww." Cloud backed away, "You can keep it, I don't want it now."  
  
Kairi smiled deviously.  
  
"Kairi had clearly been pretending to be crazy to catch Cloud off guard, then stuff the pepperoni down her shirt as an excuse for her to keep it." said the voice that nobody could find.   
  
Again, Cloud looked around for the voice, still not being able to find it.   
  
"Kairi was also looking around for who had been ratting her out this whole time, not having any idea that the voice was her own."  
  
Cloud looked at Kairi, who shrugged, then said, "I didn't know, but this is some good pepperoni." She pulled some out of her shirt and ate it.  
  
"Oh, that does it! I don't care if you are a girl!" Cloud yelled. "I want my pepperoni, and I want it NOW!!"  
  
Cloud then picked Kairi up by the feet and shook her. The pepperoni fell out, along with a loaf of bread, spaghetti, a baker's dozen of doughnuts (all jelly filled), a pie, a custard, a cake, a cupcake, a muffin, a candy bar, another candy bar, and finally a very confused Riku and Sora.  
  
"Okay, that's just wrong!" Kairi yelled, clutching her shirt as Cloud dropped her on her head. "You got all my snacks dirty!" She then started picking everything up, except the pepperoni, which Cloud had already taken and was guarding with Sora's life.   
  
Noticing them for the first time, Kairi said, "Oh, hi. When'd you get here?"  
  
Riku and Sora just looked at her, disbelief covering there faces.  
  
"Hey what's that all over your faces?" some random person asked.  
  
"It's disbelief. Duh!" Sora stated.  
  
"Haven't you been paying attention?" Riku asked the random person.  
  
"Not really, because I am just a random person and I don't really care." the random RUDE person said, then went on their way.   
  
"Okay, well, since you're here now, would you be so kind as to help me?" Kairi asked. Then glaring at Sora, "Don't even think about saying no."  
  
Sora looked at the ground, wondering how long it would be before Riku started digging a hole. He didn't have to wonder long before he was pelted with flying dirt.  
  
"I can fly! Yay!!" cried the dirt as it flew. Then it hit Sora, "NOOOOOO!!!! Stupid Sora, I put a curse on you!"  
  
Sora looked at the others, "I've been cursed by dirt."  
  
Then he made the mistake of kicking the dirt, causing all the dirt to scream.  
  
"Ooooh! Now you've done it, Sora." Riku said, continuing to dig.   
  
Sora, Kairi, and, for some reason, Cloud, slapped him. Cloud didn't want to feel left out, I guess.  
  
"What did I say about smacking me?!" Riku yelled as he rubbed two places on his arm. There was no need to rub a third place, because Kairi had slapped him so hard on the other arm, it was numb. Actually, Riku wasn't really sure if it was still there or not. He was feeling kind of dizzy.  
  
"Riku, Riku, Riku, we slapped you. We didn't smack you." Sora put his arm around a tree.   
  
Don't ask why, he just did.  
  
"And don't worry about your arm, it's still there." Kairi patted Riku on the head, "Its just not a pretty sight to see anymore."  
  
"What?!" Riku exclaimed then looked down at his arm. Besides not being able to feel his arm, it was black and blue, except for this one spot that read 'PIGGLY WIGGLY' in big bubble letters.  
  
Cloud quickly hid his permanent marker behind his back and did the oh-so-obvious innocent whistle. Everybody looked at him, "What?"  
  
"I have 'PIGGLY WIGGLY' written on my arm! What do you think?!" Riku yelled at Cloud.  
  
"I think it looks nice, actually." Cloud stated. "And it's much better than being cursed by dirt, you have to admit."  
  
Sora nodded, "He's right."  
  
Sora then was about to kick the dirt again, but stopped just in time. The dirt of course, being the baby that it is, cried before it was hurt and decided to knock Sora down.  
  
"Hey, I didn't kick you!" Sora cried, then started to sink. The dirt had called it's buddy, the sand, and well, it's quick.  
  
Kairi gave an exasperated sigh at that last sentence, then passed out because the sigh took too much oxygen.  
  
"Now, I didn't do that." somebody said, from behind them, "Did I?"  
  
"You---you're----"  
  
Everybody turned around. Of course, Kairi had not passed out because of him, but he was the cause for Cloud to pass out.  
  
"What? What did I say?" 


	5. Chapter Five

Disclaimer: Bah bah bah! I do not own Kingdom Hearts, Sleepy Hollow, or the sheep that took over the disclaimer.  
  
Author's Note: I apologize ahead of time for this chapter and that stupid disclaimer, because I was just writing whatever came into my mind at the time. That is known to be very dangerous at times when it isn't safe. Please, enjoy.  
  
Chapter Five:  
  
"You have no head." Sora said, pointing at the guy as he was still sinking in the quick sand. When he was about waist deep, he stopped sinking. Looking down, he shrugged, "Hit the bottom, I guess."  
  
Then he climbed out.  
  
"This isn't over, Sora!" cried the dirt, "We are going to make you cry before the end of this story! You'll see!! Bwahahahaha!!!"  
  
Riku looked at Sora, "I would never have guessed that dirt could be so vindictive."  
  
Sora sniffed and hung his head from a tree, "Nope."  
  
"Speaking of heads, why don't you have one?" Riku asked the guy with no head.   
  
Riku's arm was no longer scary to look at, just so you know.  
  
"Why don't I have a head? Let me see, hmm." the guy hmmed to himself a little while, then said, "Because I didn't feel like wearing it today."  
  
Everybody looked at him, then at the butterfly that landed on the place on his neck where his head should be, but wasn't.  
  
"If we're weren't smart enough to figure it out already, just who are you?" Kairi asked, standing up. She had woken up from passing out a few minutes before, but hadn't felt like getting up until now.  
  
"I'm the---" he began, then a drum roll sounded. Turning to the drummer, he said, "That's enough, thank you. I'm the---"  
  
The drummer drummed again.  
  
"That's enough!" the guy with no head yelled. Pointing to the drummer, he said, "If you do it again, you'll be sorry."  
  
The drummer nodded, a frightened look on his face.  
  
"Hey! I know that look!" Kairi jumped up and down happily, "It's my fanboy! He's come back, yay!!"  
  
The drumming fanboy's face nearly jumped off his head when he saw Kairi, which is really a quite frightening image, if you think about it. Anyway, the drumming fanboy then picked up his drums and ran for his life, which had already started running to the east.  
  
"My fanboy has run away again, Sora." Kairi whimpered, then pushed Sora toward the east, "Go get him!"  
  
"I'd rather not." Sora said. He had a very good reason for not going, though. He had heard the dirt laughing under a rock, and it sounded like it was plotting something dirty. "The dirt might get me."  
  
"Fine." Kairi stopped pushing, then turned her eyes to Riku.   
  
Seeing this, Riku took off his shoe and smacked her with it, "No, I wanna know who this guy is."  
  
"As I've been trying to say, I'm the---" the guy who's identity everybody but Riku had figured out started, but was interrupted once again by the distant sound of drumming. "Okay, that's it!"  
  
Jumping up onto the horse that had just appeared by him, he grabbed a sword and rode off toward the sound. After a few seconds, everybody heard a scream and the drumming stopped.  
  
"He killed my fanboy!" Kairi cried. "Stupid Headless Horseman!"  
  
Everybody turned to Kairi as the Headless Horseman rode back to them. He was a little peeved at her for telling them what they already knew about him.  
  
"You told them what they already knew about me!" he yelled. Jumping down from his horse, his now red sword still in hand, he ordered, "Okay, Daredevil, bite her!!"  
  
Kairi shrieked, then took off running, but didn't get very far before the horse caught her. He bit her. It hurt. She cried. Then she died.  
  
Hee hee, just kidding. She didn't cry.  
  
"KAIRI!" Sora cried, then ran to her. Holding her by her neck, he picked her up and waved her around for everybody to see, "It was too soon! She shouldn't have died like this! If anything, she should have been eaten by a pack of wild hyenas, but NOT like THIS!!!"  
  
He then dropped her off a cliff, and into a pool she went. The pool was then struck by a freak lightning bolt, sending an electric shock through the water and everybody in it died. Well, except for Kairi since she was already dead, so it had a reverse affect on her.  
  
"Are you trying to say that she's not dead anymore?" Sora asked, looking over the side of the cliff.  
  
"Sora, don't just stand there! Dance, boy, dance!!" Kairi yelled, while doing the back stroke. "Bababababa baba baba."  
  
Riku looked over the edge at her, then whispered to Sora, "She's gone a little nutty, I think."  
  
Sora then proceeded to smack Riku, "Duh."  
  
Riku glared at Sora for smacking him, then pushed Sora off the cliff into the pool. Before walking away, he yelled down, "I told you to stop smacking me!"  
  
Suddenly, everybody heard shouts of joy and cheering from the dirt. It was so loud that it shook the ground and woke Cloud up from his little nappy-nap.  
  
"---the Headless Horseman!!!" Cloud finished the exclamation he had started in the last chapter before he passed out. "I'm you're biggest fan!!"  
  
"No, this is my biggest fan!" the Headless Horseman then pulled out a huge portable fan and plugged it in. Flipping the switch, it was like a hurricane was coming through, but nobody was smart enough to shut it off. "Where's a genius when you need one?!"   
  
After a few barn yard animals had been pelted at them, Sora and Kairi were not happy, so they called the only person they could think of that could possibly help or make things worse. When he showed up, he shut off the fan.  
  
"Not YOU again!" the Headless Horseman whaled at him.  
  
"I didn't know you could speak whale! I wish I could." Kairi said, then looked at the genius, "I died."  
  
"That's nice." the genius then looked at the Headless Horseman, "Yes, me again. And what are you complaining for? I got your head back for you, didn't I?"  
  
The Headless Horseman would have nodded and looked down, but since he didn't have his head, he just kind of moved his shoulders back and forth.  
  
"Good, now where is your head, anyway?" he asked, mostly because he was about to pass out from seeing the headless man.  
  
"Somebody stole it again." he shrugged, "But its okay. I was scaring more people with it than without it. And besides that, I always thought I looked like that Beetlejuice guy when he was that snake thing."   
  
The Headless Horseman swooped his arm, pretending it was a snake. Sora then got a flashlight, because it was still night, and shone it on the wall where everybody then took part in the telling of Harry Potter in shadow puppets. When they were finished, it was day, so they no longer needed the flashlight.  
  
"That was fun." the Headless Horseman said. "Don't you think it was fun, genius?"  
  
"Dude, his name is Icabod Crane." some surfer guy said, as he walked past with his surf board. Coming up to the cliff, he looked over and saw no ocean, "Bummer."  
  
The surfer guy then flung himself off the cliff for no reason other than to get himself out of this story.  
  
"Icabod Crane!!!" somebody behind them yelled. When they turned around, they weren't surprised to find Leon standing there. They were surprised to see a giant cardboard cut-out of a platypus standing next to him, though.  
  
"What the?" Riku said what everybody was thinking.  
  
Leon looked next to him, then turned back and shrugged, "What? It's a platypus."  
  
"Okay." Icabod said, then passed out because it was a really scary platypus.  
  
Leon looked down at Icabod, then said as if he weren't talking to a passed out man, "I'm the equivalent of you in this story, you know."  
  
Cloud looked at Leon, "Really?"  
  
"Yep." Leon looked up, then said, "If you don't believe me, I can tell you a story."  
  
"Oooh, what kind of story?" everybody asked as they all sat on the ground around him like hermit crabs. "We like stories!"  
  
Leon then told his story, "The sun was shining brightly in the middle of the night, when two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back, they faced each other, pulled their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise and came and killed the two dead boys. If you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it, too."  
  
Everybody looked at Riku.  
  
"Hey, I'm not blind anymore." Riku pointed to his eyes, "I got that lasic surgery. And anyway, what does that have to do with you being an Icabod Crane?"  
  
"Nothing." Leon shrugged, "I just like that story."  
  
"Oh." was all that was said, before the chapter ended abruptly. 


	6. Chapter Six

Disclaimer: I'm tired of these things, but I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Sleepy Hollow, or anything else I may or may not mention in this chapter that somebody could possibly recognize from somewhere else. I own only what I make up myself on my own. Nothing else. Nadda. Zip. Nothin'...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...  
  
Author's Note: I like this chapter better than the last one, it's also shorter and probably more funnier, but that's my opinion and I'm the author so I can say that without hurting my own feelings. Thanks for the reviews for all the chapters that have been reviewed, though. Now, on to the chapter!  
  
Chapter Six:  
  
"I need to be going now, if you don't mind." the Headless Horseman said, then whispered to Icabod, "These people are crazy."  
  
Icabod passed out when the Headless Horseman leaned in too close, because that's just what he does. He is the King of the People Who Pass Out A Lot.  
  
"Wait! Don't go yet!" Cloud cried, then flung himself at the Headless Horseman's feet. He held on for deer life. The deer were very grateful. "I have to tell you something! It's really important!"  
  
The Headless Horseman pried Cloud off his foot and said, "What is it?"  
  
"You just stepped in Chocobo poo." Cloud pointed to the ground under the Headless Horseman's foot.   
  
The Headless Horseman looked down to the ground underneath the Headless Horseman's foot. The Headless Horseman was very grossed out at what the Headless Horseman saw that the Headless Horseman had stepped in. The Headless Horseman jumped around like a sissy-girl, trying to wipe it off of the Headless Horseman's boot. The Headless Horseman then threatened the author to make her stop writing the Headless Horseman's name so much.   
  
The author did not like being threatened, but listened for the sake of the story.  
  
"That's better. I was beginning to hate my own name." the No-headed Horsedude said.  
  
Everybody then got up and sang the national anthem. Then they realized that Hollow Bastion doesn't have a national anthem.  
  
"Then what did we just sing?" they all asked.  
  
"That would be the Fraggle Rock theme song." said a female voice behind them.  
  
They all turned around, because that is the only way they would know who it was. Actually, even after they turned around, they still had no idea who it was because she was wearing a mask.  
  
"Who are you?" Sora asked.  
  
"Who do you think I am?" the girl answered the question with a question.  
  
Sora thought a bit.  
  
"Are you...the Toothfairy?" he asked.   
  
"Nope." she said.  
  
Sitting down on some cement, he realized it was really hot and squealed like a pig as the cement cooked him. After a couple of minutes, he was a nice golden brown.  
  
"SORA!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!" cried the masked girl.   
  
Kairi looked up from the cooked boy to the masked girl.   
  
"Hey, I know that yell!" she cried, "You're that crazy scarred fangirl from earlier!"  
  
Kairi then tore the mask off of the masked girl, but to her shock, there was no face underneath it, only, you know, like muscles and bones and stuff.   
  
Kairi looked into the mask she held in her hand. The skin was stuck to the inside, "Ooops, sorry about that."  
  
She then stuck the mask back on the girl, but not before Icabod had woken up, seen the faceless girl, and passed out again.  
  
Looking down at him, the Headless Horseman didn't care that the author wrote his name, saying, "You are such a pansy."  
  
He said that to Icabod, not the author.  
  
"Fangirl like pansy! You leave pansy alone!" a random Icabod fangirl said, then carried Icabod back to her cave where they had a cup of tea and watched Benny & Joon on a big screen TV, after Icabod woke up once more, of course.  
  
"Oh, no fair!" the Headless Horseman ran off after them, "I love that movie!"  
  
Riku looked over at Daredevil the Forgotten Horse, "How is he going to watch it? He has no head."  
  
Daredevil shrugged. He is a smart and very talented undead horse, so he's allowed to do that.  
  
Anyway, back to Kairi and the fangirl. They were fighting over the soon-to-be well-done Sora, who nobody had thought to take off of the people-cooking cement.  
  
"Hello? Anybody there? I'm starting to burn down here!" Sora cried, bringing the two girl's attentions back to him. "I was fine with it up till now, 'cause I needed a tan, but now I'm starting to get a little scorched on my butt."  
  
They both looked down at him.  
  
"Sora!!! You're OKAY!!!!!!" the crazy scarred fangirl jumped up and down with glee. "Happy day for MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"  
  
Kairi then smacked her over the head with Sora.   
  
"Owie!" the fangirl cried. She then ran away for a second. When she came back, everybody was surprised to see what she brought with her as a weapon.  
  
"IT'S MY FANBOY!!!" Kairi dropped Sora, "HE'S NOT DEAD!!!!"  
  
"No, he's not dead." Cloud observed, then said, hopefully, pulling out his Heartstealer, "But I could fix that if you'd like."  
  
The fanboy nodded frantically as Kairi rushed toward him.  
  
Thinking quickly, the crazy scarred fangirl used the fanboy as a distraction, like those guys in the funny outfits use the red cloth to distract the bulls.   
  
Kairi fell for it, charging right for the fanboy, who did not at all like the position that he was in. Everything worked out, though, because at the very last second, he was lifted out of Kairi's reach by the fangirl. This caused the inevitable event of Kairi smashing head first into the wall that magically popped up just for that reason.   
  
That fanboy laughed hysterically. Kairi was not amused.  
  
Crying, she ran to Sora, "My fanboy laughed at me!! I don't want a fanboy anymore!!!!"  
  
Suddenly, all went eerily quiet. Something was happening.   
  
The fanboy stopped laughing, then Sora's scar-faced fangirl dropped him. Once he got up, he looked around. Spotting Kairi, he ran toward her at a very fast rate, "KAIRI!!!!!!"  
  
Sora moved himself and Kairi out of the way of the speeding fanboy, then watched as he fell down into one of Riku's most resent holes.  
  
"That's all it took to get you to be my fanboy?!!" Kairi called down to him.  
  
"Yeah." the fanboy's voice echoed up to them from the very bottom of the very deep hole. They couldn't even see him. "Could somebody get me outta here? I need to fulfill my job as a fanboy and stalk Kairi."  
  
"I'm not going to let you stalk Kairi!!" Sora yelled back down at him.  
  
Again, they heard the voice of the fanboy, "Oh, did I say stalk? No, no, I meant, um, kidnap. Yes, I want to kidnap Kairi."  
  
"You want to kidnap Kairi?" Leon called down. "Why?"  
  
"Why? Hmm, I'm not sure." the fanboy called back up.  
  
Kairi clung to Sora like a wet banana to a shrunken head, "Sora, I'm scared."  
  
Sora yelled back down to the fanboy, "You're a freaky potato man! You can't have my Kairi!!"  
  
The fanboy did not respond to this statement, but suddenly he flew up out of the hole, riding on a huge amount of dirt. "Ha! The dirt is now my friend and I am friends with the dirt!! Ahahahahahaahaha!!!!"  
  
Sora looked at him, "You're an evil fanboy now, aren't you?"  
  
The fanboy nodded, "Yeah. I haven't felt like myself ever since that stupid Headless Horseman killed my drums. They had just been painted, too!!!"  
  
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!! Just hold it right there!" Cloud interjected, then pointed at the fanboy, "Don't you talk about the Headless Horseman that way. He's a cool dude!!"  
  
"Oh, that sounded unnatural." Riku cringed.  
  
"Who cares if I call the Headless Horseman stupid? He is, he is, he is!!!!!" The now evil fanboy jumped up and down like a little baby. The dirt really did not like that, so they decided to use him as a projectile to throw at Sora.  
  
They missed, but they did hit something: Cloud, and he wasn't a happy Heartless Horseman. Everybody knew what was going to happen next. 


	7. Chapter Seven

Disclaimer: Whatever it is, I don't own it!!!  
  
Author's Note: I love you people, now go find Bob! Where's Waldo? Not here, but that won't stop us from looking, eh? Anyway, I hope you like this chapter even though my sister was mean and said it wasn't as funny. Whatever, I like it. Please review and let me know what you think! Please?  
  
Chapter Seven:  
  
Yes, everybody knows what happens when dirt tries to fling fanboys at the people they curse, but miss and hit a Heartless Horseman instead. It's a well known fact that when that happens, things start to get a little crazy. Everybody has tea and goes to Disney World.  
  
"Weeeeeeeee loooovvvee Disney World!!!! Ooooooh, Space Mountain!!!"  
  
Cloud, not being very happy because he was hit, and because they would not let his Chocobo inside the park, picked up his Heartstealer and randomly stole some hearts from people he didn't know. Then he went after the fanboy.  
  
The fanboy, seeing that Cloud was chasing him, ran away.  
  
"Get back here, you stupid fanboy who the author did not think important enough to give a name to!! I'm going to steal your heart!!! Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!" Cloud laughed, mechanically.  
  
"I am NOT stupid!!" the fanboy stopped running. Cloud stole his heart.  
  
"This reminds me of that time behind the door when Mickey tried to eat me, but I ate him, instead." Riku said, calmly, as he and everybody else watched Cloud chase down a few more innocent bystanders. Looking around, Riku noticed that everybody was now staring at him. Even Cloud had stopped in the middle of stealing a heart to look at him, "What? We ran out of food."  
  
"Oh."  
  
And Cloud turned back to the person he now had stuck on the end of his Heartstealer.  
  
"Could you hurry up and get this over with? This is really uncomfortable." the person said.  
  
"Sure, no problem." Cloud said, then tried to pull the sword back out, but, alas, it was stuck. "Please never use that word again, I really hate it."  
  
Alas, alas, alas, he hates it.  
  
"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" Cloud shrieked, then picked up the Heartstealer, shish-ka-person and all.  
  
"Ouch." the person said, as Cloud waved them around in the air. "Please put me down."  
  
Cloud looked up, "Oh, sorry."  
  
When he lowered the sword, he made the mistake of letting go of it, allowing the person to run off with it sticking out of their chest.  
  
"I'm free! I'm free!" the person cried, then accidentally caught the end of the sword on something, running it the rest of the way through, "Dang it."  
  
Cloud then went and collected his sword and the person's heart---  
  
"I'm not dead."  
  
"Well you should be." Cloud told the person, who now sat on the ground, a big hole in their chest.  
  
"Yeah, but I not." the person said, then stuck their tongue out at Cloud.  
  
Kairi, who was no longer attached to Sora, went screaming, grabbed the tongue, and ran with it. "Eeeww, it's wet."  
  
She let go, causing it to slap back in the person's face like a rubber band. It made a funny noise, like, "Sludpeed."  
  
"You have a freaky tongue." Sora stated, then rubbed his chin, "Oh, the funny noise it makes."  
  
"I wanna try!" Cloud cried, then pulled out his tongue, but accidentally cut it off with his claws. "I wused da wong hand."  
  
"That's...different." Leon said, looking at the severed part of Cloud's tongue.   
  
It was wiggling on the ground until it stopped. Then music started to play and, suddenly, it had a top hat and was doing the Macarena. Which is a great feat, for it had no feet, or hands, for that matter, but that didn't stop it.   
  
Needless to say, it thoroughly freaked everybody out. Plus, the dance totally did not go with the music.  
  
"Kill it! Kill it!" Sora shrieked, then tried to stomp on it, but Cloud stopped him.   
  
Picking up his tongue, he pulled Wendy Moira Angela Darling out of Peter Pan (the book or movie, not the actual boy) so she could sew it back on for him. She, of course, was too grossed out to do it, so he got the only other person he could think of.  
  
"Aerith!" Cloud cried with a lisp.  
  
Hmm, maybe that's how her name changed from Aeris to Aerith...somebody said it with a lisp...  
  
"Cloud!" Aerith cried back.  
  
"Aerith!" Cloud cried again.  
  
"Cloud!" Aerith cried again.  
  
"Aeri---" Cloud started, but was interrupted.  
  
"Okay, that's enough!" Aerith said, a little annoyed. Her voice was strangely deeper, "What'd you want?"  
  
Cloud just looked at her, as everybody else did. "You're not Aerith!!"  
  
"Who says?"  
  
Cloud pointed to himself, "I do."  
  
"Well, then, I do to." With that, she pulled off her head, revealing an ugly ferret.  
  
"You're a ferret?" Sora asked, then ran up to it to get a closer look.  
  
"No, you're the ferret!!! Aaaahhhhh!!!!!" the ferret yelled, then jumped at Sora's face.   
  
The real Aerith showed up while Sora was being attacked.  
  
"How do we know it's really you?" Kairi asked.  
  
"Because." Aerith replied.  
  
"If you're really her, then tell us something that only we would know." Kairi said, pulling the ferret off of Sora's face as he ran screaming past. She then dropped it in a ditch.  
  
"I don't have time for this, She Who Decorates Her Feet, I have a tongue to sew back on!!" Aerith said, then undid the choker on Kairi's neck, causing Kairi's head to fall off.  
  
"I told you you'd be sorry! Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!" Kairi laughed, as everybody watched her head roll down a hill they weren't standing on.  
  
"Oooookay." Leon said, then pushed Kairi's body off after her head.  
  
"Cloud? Where are you?" Aerith asked, while looking for Cloud. She found him in the last place she looked.  
  
"He's with the juvenile delinquents who moved to Madrid." Riku stated, pointing to a map that magically appeared in his hands, as they often do in these kind of stories.   
  
Aerith smacked Riku as she pulled Cloud from a pipe he was stuck in. He had been trying to get the piece of gum he left in there overnight to see if it still had flavor. It did.  
  
"Cloud...spit it out." Aerith held her hand out in from of his mouth. Cloud shook his head. "Cloud, how am I supposed to sew your tongue back on if you have gum in your mouth?"  
  
Cloud looked down at his feet, then nodded. Cloud then spit out a gumball the size of his head onto Aerith's hand.  
  
"Cool!!!" Sora yelled as the gum swallowed Aerith's hand.   
  
It was almost as if it was alive... 


	8. Chapter Eight

Disclaimer: Yeah, I no own!!  
  
Author's Note: Okay, this chapter is a little all over the place and random, but I have a reason for that. I've been awake now for a little over 36 hours, which is sooo NOT fun, and I'm listening to '80s music. I don't know what that has to do with anything, but I think it somehow contributed to the utter weirdness I put into writing this chapter. My sister says its frightening, and I must say, I wasn't feeling very humorously inspired as mean, which definitely comes out in the writing in places. The next chapter will be better, though, and I'm thinking that there will only be a couple more chapters until the...END.... So sad. Sniff, sniff. Well, enjoy, and thanks for the reviews so far!  
  
Chapter Eight:  
  
"Eeeewww!! Get it off me, get it off me!!!!" Aerith screamed and ran around in circles, flinging her hand at everything. Finally, her hand just broke off and flew into the gathering crowd, which freaked her out even more, so she ran faster.  
  
Cloud tried to chase after her to stop her from running, but since he only had one wing, he could only fly in circles. This would have been okay, except he could only go in circles the opposite direction in which she was running, so they ended up slamming face first into each other. They only caused a few broken bones and minor brain damage to people they don't know.  
  
"I'm okay." Cloud said with a lisp, as he staggered toward Leon. Looking back at Aerith, he said, "Eeee, I don't think she is, though."  
  
Cloud was right, Aerith was left.   
  
Riku was somewhere digging a hole, and Sora was falling into it.  
  
"Help me, help me, MOMMY!!!!!!" Sora cried as he tried to jump his way out of the hole. "Help me, Mommy, SAVE ME!!!!!"  
  
"Oh, shut up!" Cloud grabbed the shovel from Riku and started to bury Sora alive. Aerith stopped him before the first grain of dirt could end up in Sora's underpanties, though, and the dirt thanked her.  
  
"THANK YOU!!!!!"  
  
Aerith looked down at Sora, then at Cloud, who was looking at Leon, who was looking at Riku, who was looking at Kairi, who was looking at Sora, who was looking at his big toe.  
  
"Sora?" Aerith called down to him.  
  
"Oompa Loompa?" Sora called back up. "Wasp."  
  
Nobody questioned the reason for him to say this. Nobody questions anything anymore, they just take it in, then spit out a camel.  
  
Exactly.  
  
Anyway, they took the camel, and using it's tail as a rope, they pulled Sora up before the dirt could get their grimy little dirt hands on him and his big shoes.  
  
"We will never give up!! We will have our revenge on Sora, sooner or later...preferably sooner, but later is okay, too...Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!" the dirt cried.  
  
Sora pulled out a hose and made the dirt mud to make it stop laughing, because laughing dirt is just creepy. Now that it was mud, it gurgled, and it's grudge against Sora was temporarily forgotten when everybody had a huge mud pie fight.  
  
Cloud, still feeling the affects of accidentally chopping off his own tongue, and the collision with Aerith, actually ate one of the mud pies. And liked it. So he ate another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another.... Okay, he ate the whole muddy mess, then licked off the rest from the others who where there.  
  
"Cloud, don't you need a tongue to...um...lick stuff?" Aerith held up Cloud's wiggly little tongue.  
  
Shaking his head, Cloud replied, "I figured out that if you just take a hold of your tongue and pull, it's sort of like scotch tape, except less sticky."  
  
Cloud demonstrated by pulling his tongue out farther. Then ripping it off, he stuck it to Leon.  
  
"Thanks man." Leon said, sarcastically as he looked down, disgustedly, at the dripping wet partial Cloud tongue stuck to his arm. Peeling it off, Leon accidentally smacked Riku with it, splattering him with Cloud spit.  
  
"Isn't that called rain?" Kairi asked as Riku chased Leon around with a shovel he pulled out of his pocket.  
  
"No." Aerith said. "Cloud spit is called Rupert Bixel-Nanamople-Jinklepope the Third."  
  
Everybody looked at her, not questioning like, just in a frightened little mongoose sort of way.  
  
Cloud broke the awkward silence that comes every seventeen minutes, "Yay, my spit has a name!! What can we name next?"  
  
As everybody was taking part in naming things, something was coming up from behind Sora, but Sora didn't know because it was behind him and he didn't see it until it became visible to him. At that time, he screamed and ran to Kairi...it was his scar-faced fangirl.  
  
"SORA!!!! Why do you run from me, oh Brown-Haired-One-of-My-Dreams?!" she cried, then tried to get around Kairi to get to him.  
  
Kairi was tired of this fangirl, so she decided that she was going to have a little talk with her.  
  
"Come wilst thou, Scarred-Freak-Who-Stalks-My-Sora? I wish to converse with thee." Kairi said all weird like. "All weird like."  
  
It scared the scarred girl, and greatly confused those of small brain, but still she went with Kairi.  
  
Sora looked after them as they walked off toward the distance and called to Kairi, "POOKY!!!!"  
  
Turning around, Kairi smiled and called back to him, "TRANSVESTITE!!!!"  
  
Then she went off to talk to the fangirl.  
  
Yes, she was actually going to talk to this fangirl. She was going to talk the fangirl right into being chained up in the the trunk of a car that was headed off a cliff into an ocean that would take it it California where it would then be sucked into a time warp to the year before the car was made so it would then just be the fangirl sinking down to the murky depths of the abyss known as the bottom of a great trench that stretches across the ocean floor and opens into the center of the Earth's core where she will most likely melt and die. That is unless she suffocates or is eaten by one of those giant sea squids first.  
  
Hey, it could happen! Highly unlikely, though. 


	9. Chapter Nine

Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own it, whatever it may be, which in this case would be Kingdom Hearts, Sleepy Hollow, and Final Fantasy whatever characters, and various other things that I may have forgotten in the few short minutes since I wrote the chapter to writing this disclaimer.  
  
Author's Note: I'm sorry I haven't updated for a while, and I'm sorry to say that, despite what I said in the author's note for the last chapter, I don't think this chapter is any funnier than the last one. I'll let you decide for yourself. Anyway, this is the next to last chapter, and its kinda short. The next chapter is the end, so it is going to be more Sleepy Hollow-ish than the others and probably longer as well. Please, review and let me know what you think!  
  
Chapter Nine:  
  
To Kairi's dismay, the fangirl got away before she could chain her up. She ran back and attached herself to a very freaked out Leon.  
  
"Leon?" the fangirl looked up at him, "Ooops, I thought you were Sora."  
  
Letting him go, she went off in search of Sora, who had wanted a vacation, so Cloud mailed him somewhere unknown even to him. So that is where Sora was, sitting in a box out in the middle of nowhere with no air holes poked in the lid.  
  
Poor Sora.  
  
"Cloud!" Kairi ran back from wherever she had been last and slapped Cloud on the shoulder, knocking that weird metal thingy off it. Unfortunately for Cloud, his arm fell off as well.  
  
"Twice in one story? You can't be serious!" Cloud looked down at his claw arm that now lay on the ground.  
  
Suddenly, somebody came running and snatched the arm up, then took off with it. Stopping a little way away, he pulled off his own arm and attached Cloud's.  
  
"Hey! Give me back my arm!!" Cloud stomped his feet like a little girl whose brother had just stolen her favorite rag doll and pulled it's appendages from it's body, then re-attached them in the wrong places. "It's not nice to steal other people's arms!!!"  
  
"You stole it from me first, Cloud!!!" the mysterious arm-stealer yelled back.  
  
"Vincent?"  
  
"Duh." Vincent said, then threw his discarded arm at Cloud and left.  
  
Cloud caught the arm in his hair, "Thank you!"  
  
Before Cloud could put his real arm back on, Kairi took it and hit him with it to get his attention again, then gave it back.  
  
"Cloud, where is Sora?" Kairi asked, with unnatural sweetness.  
  
"I sent him to...um...where did I send him?" Cloud tried to remember, but couldn't.  
  
"Don't you remember the author saying that Cloud mailed him somewhere unknown even to him?" Riku asked, putting the shovel he had been chasing Leon with, down. He had given up trying to kill Leon for now, believing he had had enough punishment when the scar-faced fangirl had attached herself to him.  
  
"I thought that was referring to the fact that Sora didn't know where he was sending him." Aerith replied.  
  
"No, I know where I am." They all heard Sora's voice, but couldn't find where it was coming from.  
  
"Sora?" Kairi asked, still looking around, "Where are you?"  
  
"In a box out in the middle of nowhere." he replied. He had said enough this time to pinpoint where he was.  
  
"Middle of nowhere, my butt!!" Kairi said, then walked across the street and opened the box.  
  
Standing up, Sora looked around, then looked at Kairi with a big puppy dog, "I was running out of air."  
  
He then handed her the puppy as he climbed out of the box, then took the puppy back and was tackled by his fangirl.  
  
"Finally, what I've always wanted!!!!" the fangirl cried, "A puppy!!!!"  
  
Seeing that the fangirl was distracted for the moment, Sora tried to sneak away unnoticed, but failed miserably, almost costing him a foot.  
  
"Where do you think you're going, Sora?" the fangirl asked, cutting off the circulation to his foot with her iron grip. In a desperate attempt to free himself, he tried to gnaw off his leg, but he didn't like the bad taste it was leaving in his mouth, so he stopped.  
  
Getting an idea, he pointed to the puppy, "That's my puppy, but I'll let you keep it if you let go of my leg and leave me alone."  
  
The fangirl thought about it a moment before replying, "Do you think I'm stupid?"  
  
"I'm hoping." Sora replied, lying flat on his back, looking up at the sky.  
  
"Well, I am, so here's your leg back." she said, then walked off with the puppy. "I think I'll name him Sora..."  
  
And that was the last they heard from the scar-faced fangirl. Although, they did see her quite a bit, hiding in the bushes, watching.  
  
"That's just a little creepy." Sora said, looking over his shoulder a lot. He was a little paranoid now. "That's an understatement."  
  
"No, an understatement would be like saying that I think the dirt doesn't like you, when in fact, it will hate you with a passion for as long as you live." Riku corrected.  
  
"Thank you, Riku, for that reminder." Sora glared at Riku.  
  
Seeing the look in Sora's eyes, Riku warned, picking his shovel back up, "Don't even think about slapping me."  
  
Sora then kicked him. 


	10. Chapter Ten

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Sleepy Hollow, any of the FF characters I used, and, I should have said this in the first chapter, but I don't own ZTX, because she owns herself. If I missed any other characters I don't own, well, I don't own them.

Author's Note: Well, here it is, the very last and final chapter of Sleepy Hollow Bastion. I hope you enjoy it, it's longer and my sister said she liked it better than the other chapters.

Chapter Ten:

"Ouch." Riku held the part of his leg that Sora had kicked. "I've gotta get some new friends."

"That hurt, Riku." Sora sniffed and acted all hurt.

Riku glared at Sora, then smacked the back of his head (Sora's, not his own). "And you think this doesn't?!"

"Come on, Riku! Kick him!!" the dirt encouraged him, "You know you want to!"

Sora laughed, "He won't kick me."

Riku kicked him. The dirt cheered.

"Hey!" Sora yelled, then remembered something the dirt had said from a previous chapter, but wouldn't tell anybody what it was. "Neyh, I'm not tellin'!!"

Kairi, jumping on his back like a monkey, asked as she tightened her grip on his neck, "You'll tell me what it is, won't you Sora?"

It was more of a demand than a request.

Sora nodded quickly, then whispered it in the ear she pulled away from her head so it would be easier to whisper into. Once he finished telling her, she let go of her ear, causing it to snap back against her head like elastic.

"Ooh, creepy." Riku shuttered, "Almost as creepy as my tongue."

He pointed to his tongue so everybody would know it was his.

"This is my tongue..." Riku said, then sat down in one of the holes he dug, "I wanna go home."

The dirt yelled, "NOOOOOO!!!! We must have our revenge on Sora!!!!"

"Then have your stupid revenge on Sora!! I wanna go home!!!!" Riku cried like a baby.

"You have problems, my friend." said some strange pirate, as he put his arm around Riku's shoulders.

Everybody looked at the pirate, but then Riku stole his gun and shot him in the foot, so they rushed the pirate to the hospital, where he hit on a nurse. The nurse then stomped on the foot Riku shot, making the grown pirate cry.

"Who's the baby now, huh!!!" Riku shouted at the pirate.

Sora leaned over, "He only said you had problems, the author said you cried like a baby."

"Umm...okay..." Riku said, then pushed Sora toward the now angry pirate, "He said it!! Not me!!"

Sora looked a little worried as the pirate tried to stab him with something pointy.

"Go pirate with the pointy object!!" the dirt cheered. Sora started to run away then.

"Wait a second," Sora stopped, pulled Kairi off his back, set her down on a log, then continued running away. As he ran he screamed like a little girl, "Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!"

"Dude, that's not screaming, that's the crazy laugh." said a person I don't want to name.

Sora stopped running, and rubbed his chin off in an attempt to look thoughtful, but ended up just looking plain disturbing, "Oh, yeah."

He continued running.

"Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!" he screamed and ran.

"There you go!" said the same person I still don't want to name. "That's harsh."

The person sniffed the air, then passed out because the air they sniffed was toxic.

"Wouldn't that kill me, not just make me pass out?" the person asked from the place they were lying, unconscious, on the ground.

"You aren't dead, are you?" Cloud asked, finally making his first appearance of many in this last chapter.

Thinking, the unconscious person shook their unconscious head.

"I can change that." Cloud then stole the person's heart.

"Oh, that reminds me," Leon said, walking up to Cloud. "I'm supposed to make you stop doing that."

With that said, he took Cloud's Heartstealer away from him. Cloud tried to take it back, but Leon kept teasing him by playing keep away with it.

"Give it baaaaack!!!!" Cloud whined. Pouting, he sat down on the ground and crossed his legs and arms, "I'm gonna tell!!!"

Leon stopped dead in his tracks, "No, please don't tell!!! I'll give it back!!! Here!!"

He tossed the Heartstealer back to Cloud, who then hugged it, careful not to poke himself. Not that it would do anything, he is already heartless. Makes you wonder how he's still alive, doesn't it?

"Tattletale." Leon muttered under his breath as he, too, sat down on the ground and pouted.

"Man, you guys are the babies!!!" Sora yelled, still being chased by the pirate. Suddenly, the dirt made a wall in front of him that he didn't see. Luckily, since it was made of dirt, he ran right through it.

"Drat!!! Foiled again! Will our revenge go unrevenged forever?!" the dirt sighed, blowing dust into Sora's eyes, making him cry.

"Wahhhhhhhh!!!!" Sora cried, trying to get the dust out of his eyes.

"Finally!!!!" the dirt cried, happily, "We told you, Sora, we would make you cry before the end of this story and we have! We will now lift the curse we placed upon you."

The dirt then formed a weird fairy-godmother like wand and tapped Sora on the head with it. Of course, that meant that Sora was then covered with dirt and was afraid to move because he thought it would curse him again.

Kairi, thinking that Sora was being stupid, got out a vacuum cleaner and sucked up all the dirt that was on him. She also sucked up the dirt under him and around him, so he ended up falling through the hole she made in the world.

"Oooh!!! Can I have that?" Riku threw away his shovels, then took the vacuum from Kairi, laughing maniacally.

Suddenly, Sora was back. He was standing next to a fence, staring into what looked like a graveyard. Everybody decided to join him because they wanted to.

There was a girl in the graveyard, going from one headstone to the next, "Killed them, yep. Killed them, too. Hmm."

She scratched her head, then looked up at everybody at the fence, causing them to back away slowly. She squinted at them, but then turned her attention back to the tombstones.

Everybody was about to let out one big huge sigh of relief, but then the girl was suddenly at the fence, staring at them. She really creeped them out.

"Hi, I'm ZTX." she stated. "Has anyone seen Yuffie?"

They all shook their heads, staying as still as possible. I guess they thought that if they didn't move, she wouldn't see them.

"If you do, let me know. Okay?" she said, then went back to what she had been doing.

Again, everybody was about to let out that sigh of relief from before, but this time Yuffie ran up to the fence where ZTX had just been. Keeping close to the ground, she crawled behind one of the bigger headstones and put her finger to her lips.

"Please don't tell her I'm here." Yuffie whispered, terror in her eyes.

Everybody nodded, but they also had evil looks on their faces that made her even more nervous.

"Thanks." she said, a little freaked out at how they were now staring at her. Suddenly, she heard a noise behind her.

"There you are, Yuffie. I was looking for you!" ZTX stated, leaning over the top of the tombstone, "We need to, um...talk."

"Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!" Yuffie ran away.

"You can run, but you can't hide!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" And she took off after Yuffie.

"Hee, hee, Yuffie's gonna die." said a little tumbleweed as it tumbled by. "Leon, I must ask you a question to move the story along."

Leon looked at it, "Yes?"

"Why are you here?"

"Well, it all started when..." Leon started his story as the flashback music nearly blasted everybody's eardrums out. He told how he had done something and as punishment, he was sent to stop Cloud from stealing hearts.

When the flashback music stopped, and everybody's ears stopped ringing, they all had the same question.

"What'd you do?"

Leon looked uncomfortable, but answered the question anyway, "I painted the roses red."

Everybody gasped in horror.

"You're a monster!!!" a little gingerbread man yelled, then realized he was in the wrong story.

"I know! It was a horrible thing to do, but I couldn't help it!!" Leon cried, "I've been paying for it ever since. Following Cloud around everywhere he goes is not my idea of a good time!"

Everybody was still in shock, but they could sympathize.

"Hey!!" Cloud yelled. "I'm not that bad!"

Leon spoke again, "Anyway, now that I have finally caught up with you, Cloud, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to stop you."

"You and what army?" Cloud asked, with a laugh, but his laugh was cut short when he saw them.

"I had hoped it wouldn't come to this, Cloud, but I see there is no other way. Okay, guys, go bite his ankles." Leon ordered. Suddenly, the ground was moving toward Cloud as a whole lot of ants took the shape of one really big ant.

"Noooooo!! Anything but ants!!!" Cloud yelled as he ran away. "I'm allergic to ants!! I'll swell up like a wet diaper!!!"

"Eeew."

"Okay, fine," Leon said, "Go home, guys."

The ants immediately went back to their really big ant hill, leaving Cloud standing on an elevated rock like a girl standing on a chair because she saw a rat. Note, I did not say mouse.

"Whatever." Leon didn't care.

"That wasn't very nice, Leon." Aerith told him.

Seeing Aerith, Leon squinted to make sure it was really her. I'm not sure why.

"That's right! You're supposed to be my love interest in this story."

"Yeah, about that," Aerith started, walking over to Cloud, "It's not gonna happen."

"Why not?" Leon asked, a little confused.

"Well, let me see, you sicked a giant ant on Cloud!"

"I called it off." Leon kicked a pebble that ultimately hit Sora, then Kairi and Riku, who were all sitting along the side of the scene, eating popcorn like they were watching a movie.

"Please, don't let us stop you. Go on." they said.

"This is gonna get good." Riku leaned over to whisper to the others, who nodded in agreement.

Shrugging, Leon went on, "Well, I guess I'll just have to go away now, all sad and everything."

Turning toward Sora, Kairi, and Riku, he went and sat down, "I'm having a bad day."

Patting him on the back, Kairi said, "Yeah, but you have really nice hair."

"Shhhh!!! It's about to get really good!!" Sora hushed them, causing them to look back at the scene.

"Cloud, get down from there and stop being such a girl!!" Aerith yelled at him.

"I am NOT being a girl!!!" Cloud cried as he tossed away the doll he had been clutching and got down from the rock. Pulling out his Heartstealer, "Now that Leon is off my back, I can get on with stealing hearts."

"I can't let you do that, Cloud." Aerith stated as the cheesy romance music started up.

"But Aerith, if I stop, I shall remain heartless forever!" Cloud cried as he and Aerith stood cheek to cheek, "I must find my heart before we can be together!!"

Pulling away slightly, Aerith gazed up at Cloud, who gazed back down at her.

"Is that all that this is about?" she asked. Cloud nodded, "I've had your heart this whole time!"

Aerith then pulled Cloud's heart out of the fanny pack she keeps hidden under her dress to make her look like she actually has a butt, and gave it to him.

Turning away from the gathering crowd, Cloud placed his heart back into his chest, kind of like how Leon did in chapter two.

Cloud was no longer heartless.

Pulling Aerith up onto his Chocobo, who had just appeared under him, Cloud was about to kiss her when Leon broke in and the cheesy romance music stopped.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!!!" Leon was a little upset, "Are you meaning to tell me that I don't stop Cloud, plus he gets the girl?!! HE'S THE BAD GUY!!!!!!"

"Yep." somebody answered

Shrugging, Leon nodded, "You win some, you lose some."

"You've never won."

Leon looked irritated as he searched the crowd for whoever had said that. Suddenly, he saw something move, so he started toward it. At that, it moved faster.

"Run, run, as fast as you can!! You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!!!" it yelled.

Leon recognized the voice and took off after him, "You wanna bet?!!!"

Everybody watched as Leon tackled the gingerbread man and ate him.

Leon brushed himself off as he walked back over, "What?"

They just shook their heads.

"Hey! Can you get back to Cloud so we can go home?" Kairi yelled. Very impatient, she is.

Anyway, now that Cloud had his heart back, he had no use for his Heartstealer, so he tossed it away. It was not to be out of use for long, however, for it had landed in the graveyard.

"Ooooh!! Just what I needed!" ZTX picked up the big sword, then, seeing Yuffie hiding behind another headstone, turned to everyone else and put a finger to her lips as she snuck up behind her.

A scream could be heard as everything went dark.

THE E---

"Whoa, hold on!" Riku yelled through the darkness, "Aren't you forgetting something?"

Fine, if you really think it's necessary...

Epilogue: What Happened After

Cloud and Aerith flew away together on his flying Chocobo, to be heard of some other time by someone else.

Riku, Sora, and Kairi went back to Destiny Islands. Riku made bigger and better holes with his new vacuum. Sora and Kairi never got any better at clogging, however, because, as it turned out, they were actually taking tap dance lessons.

And, as for Leon, he went back to painting the roses red.

Oh, and for those of you who didn't get it, Yuffie died and ZTX added one more casualty to her already long list, and, trust me, the list will grow.

And so, the moral of this story that has no mention of Tidus, Wakka, Selphie, Cid, the Moogles, Sephiroth, Ansem, or any of the heartless creatures and other various characters, is: Watch your back, you might have a fangirl stalking you.

THE EN---

"That isn't what I meant." Riku yelled again.

"Shut up, Riku, and stop being a baby!!" Sora yelled.

"I just want a flashlight!!" Riku cried. "It's really dark!!"

"You're afraid of the dark?!" Kairi yelled in his general direction.

"You would be, too, if you had been locked behind a door with a giant mouse!! It felt like I was in a refrigerator! You shut the door, the light goes out." Riku shuttered. "I felt like a leftover."

Kairi sighed, then tried to smack Riku, but hit Sora instead.

"Ow!!" Sora cried, "Kai-ri!!!"

"Sorry." Kairi apologized.

"Hmm, I guess the darkness isn't that bad after all." Riku smiled, and everybody stopped talking.

THE END

Final Author's Note: I would like to thank all of you who have actually read my bizarre story and reviewed it, and to those of you who haven't, please do! I really like reviews, they make me feel special in this cold, cruel world! I'm only an insane little drama queen, after all. Anyway, I really hope you liked my story, and thanks again for the reviews!


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